Dear Phil,
Now you’ve gone and done it.
Last year I warned you that I know the way to Pennsylvania, that I’ve found a map and a shuttle that will take me right to the opening of your burrow, and that I’m not afraid to come up there. Well, looks like I should have issued that same warning this year because I heard that you’ve gone and seen your shadow, which means another six weeks of winter weather.
Maybe you thought I wouldn’t hear about it all the way down here in Arkansas, or maybe you thought I’m no longer a threat since I’ve just gotten back from a trip to Mississippi.
Well, you’re wrong. I’m totally fed up with your stupid decisions and I’m going to fight back. After all, it’s obvious that this little “random” event is rigged. You’ve seen your shadow 97 times and only predicted an early end to winter 15.
Fifteen times, Phil. Does that seem “random” to you?
I’ve decided to begin by sabotaging your Web site. That’s right, I’m going to post “Down with Phil” messages all over your Web site. I’m going to begin a smear campaign that will make the recent elections look like a picnic. I’ll start with the fact that none of us will be having any picnics anytime soon because you choose to have six more weeks of winter weather and you don’t care if it stays cold.
And why is that, Phil?
Well, I’ve got that figured out too. It’s that fur coat you’re wearing. Didn’t you know that fur is out this year? I mean, really, how 1970s do you have to be?
So here’s the next stage of my plan.
Have you ever seen that stuff advertised on television that will take the hair off a woman’s legs? Well, that same technology works on the head, the back and the groundhog.
That’s right, Phil. If I’m going to have to spend the next six weeks shivering my tush off, you’re gonna suffer right along with me.
Either that, or you can just give up that fur coat willingly. Your choice.
And I have a suggestion for you.
Next year don’t step out of your burrow until noon. That way there’s no shadow. If you do this stupid winter weather stuff again, I’ll have to take a bus to Pennsylvania. I’ve been there before. Don’t make me come up there.
(Wendy Ledbetter is the editor for the Nevada County Picayune)
Gurdon, Ark. —
