Dear Phil,
I debated whether I should write you before groundhog day but decided that it might sound like a threat. After all, I think I’ve made my position pretty clear in years past – I don’t want six more weeks of bad weather. Not EVER.
So this year I thought I’d just leave you on your own. And look what you did. I can’t believe it.
I have to admit that I don’t understand your willingness to step out of your little groundhog hole and see your shadow just so that you can lay six more weeks of bad weather on us. I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense to just sleep in that day? Are you some kind of moron who likes winter weather?
Okay. I’m calming down.
So, after having given it due and deliberate consideration – and having given you chance after chance to do the right thing – I’m taking matters into my own hands.
I’ve decided that I’m going to put a stop to this groundhog day tradition. I considered several options, including an “ignore the groundhog” campaign. After all, I work for the folks who buy ink in 55-gallon drums. Do you really want to mess around with the people who buy ink in those quantities?
But I decided that simply ignoring you probably isn’t going to work. So I decided on another tactic.
I’m going to educate my readers. That’s right, I’m going to show my readers that groundhog is a tasty treat that can be served up year around. I figure that at the end of the particular campaign, groundhog will be so popular that you won’t dare stick your head up during daylight hours, even with thousands of people looking on.
Just so you know I’m serious, I’m going to give you a little sampling of the recipes that my readers will be getting over the coming weeks. There’s groundhog stew, of course, a wonderful treat for those cold winter days. And there’s groundhog chili for those days when winter just seems to linger on and on. And for those dreary days when you need something a little spicy, there’s groundhog etufe’. For those cooks looking for something quick and easy, I’ve got groundhog spaghetti, groundhog burritos and the ever-popular groundhog burgers. I’m going to share the best seasonings for groundhog steak and, for those advanced cooks, we’ll delve into the healthy benefits of a groundhog soufflé.
That’s right, Phil. You shoulda just kept your little fuzzy head inside while the world waited. Now it’s war.
In the spirit of fairness, I’m giving you a “heads up” regarding my upcoming media blitz and I’m giving you a chance to move somewhere else. I hear there’s a shortage of groundhogs in Siberia. I’ll even pitch in to create a media campaign to raise money for your travel expenses.
Wendy Ledbetter is the editor of the Nevada County Picayune and the Gurdon Times and can be reached at wendylledbetter@gmail.com
Gurdon, Ark. —
