In a recent column I described how some parents verbally challenge their child to do the opposite of what they want. When a child says “No, I don’t want to,” and parents reply “Well, that’s fine, I don’t want you to do that anyway,” they empower as well as train him to defy.
Bribes and threats also are ineffective as they empower a child to choose a reward when bribed, or say “I don’t care” when threatened.
Making changes
There are three requirements to train (or retrain) a child, which will decrease defiance: clear communication, recognition of positive behaviors and appropriate consequences.
Overall attitudinal change from defiance to compliance may take time, but it will happen. Small, positive differences will be noticeable within days. Setbacks are normal, so be ready. Remain calm and consistent to achieve the results you are looking for.
- Clear communication: Present directives in a kind voice, in three sentences or less.
For example: 1. It’s time to (do your homework). 2. Let me know if you need any help. 3. When you’re finished you may (play outside, use the computer, etc.)
Speak slowly. Your tone of voice sends a message. Barking orders will produce a different result than speaking with an expectation. Children listen for hesitation or frustration, so don’t be nervous or expect a tantrum, or you will get one. Touch your child as you speak, providing a (nonverbal) message of importance.
- Recognition of positives: Recognizing compliant, positive behaviors is the critical component needed to increase them.
Recognition with a touch and a verbal narrative of what you see will increase behavior and compliance. “I see that you took your dishes to the sink!” or “I’m proud of you for starting your homework right away.” Whatever we pay attention to will increase.
If we are always finding fault, our child will learn to get our attention through negative ways.
Make a point to recognize all positive behaviors with verbal praise or even just a quiet touch, and those great behaviors will continue.
- Appropriate consequences: When determining consequences, be mindful of your child’s age and developmental capabilities.
Teaching a lesson
Consequences should not be frightening, demeaning, threatening or hurtful. Effective consequences teach a lesson. Effective consequences relate to the misbehavior.
For a baby who pulls hair while being held, an effective consequence is to put the baby down immediately. For a toddler who hits, an effective consequence is to help him learn to apologize, while touching the person’s area of hurt, even if he requires your hand-over-hand help to touch, and your words of “Johnny is sorry for hitting.”
